Flashback: 11th September 2015

I’m over this process. It’s been going on for SO LONG! All I want to know is why. We can deal with the “cans” or “can’ts” of trying to conceive but we’ve fallen pregnant once – why not again?

I feel so emotionally drained, and even physically too, from this past year. It’s so unfair to have familial success surrounding me, and I am left to deal with this. And pretend to be happy for them. The fake / forced happiness and enthusiasm is fast running out.

I’m so tired of repeating myself with this. I know how I feel. Can I not just be happy again? But how can I be happy again without forgetting the baby we lost?

I don’t want to symptom spot anymore. I don’t want to be self-talking myself out of getting my hopes up because I know better, and be once again proven right by my own body.

Journaling is a much needed verbal outlet. Shouting and wailing my emotions for nobody but God to hear.

Maybe I just need to spend the weekend crying. Get this massive ache out of my inmost soul. I feel like I’m doing patch jobs on my heart. A constant pursual of fun to patch up the latest crack in my heart, before too much hurt and emotion comes back.

Why did I have to lose my baby?

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Author: thegriefdiariesblog

A borderline hyperactive Personal Trainer, navigating the process of starting a family.

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