I’ve been feeling pretty good for the past few days. I think being in NZ has helped distract me.
I think I’ve spent a lot of time distracting myself from how I’m actually feeling. Chasing fun and happiness to cover my almost overwhelming sadness. It’s stemmed from 2012 when Dad died, and fun has just become a coping mechanism. Of course having fun is a good thing but unfortunately things have compounded and while I think I have dealt with Dad’s death now, it’s probably contributed to the sensitivity of future griefs. That, and losing your baby is just a massive thing on it’s own.
It’s nice to not feel anxious about protecting a possible pregnancy, or trying to get the timing right for ovulation, or waiting for my temperature to rise, and is it going to stay elevated? And it’s also nice to not feel so sad that I need or want to cry.