Flashback: 6th February 2016

I think I’m getting stronger. Maybe that’s a strange way to think about it. But I’m feeling less afraid to say no. I don’t like taking time away from the gym (where I work) but my doctors / psychologist / specialist appointments are important.

I feel like the weather at the moment is quite reflective of my emotions at present. Four seasons in one day.

Sometimes I feel like my whole life is being held back by the possibility of a future pregnancy. I feel like carrying on, throwing caution into the wind, and just going “Stuff it. If I get pregnant, I get pregnant. If I end up miscarrying, I end up miscarrying.” And to a certain degree I think that’s what I need to do mentally, but I think at the same time I need to protect myself and Karl against the hurt of another possible miscarriage. I really can’t live my life wrapped in cotton wool, I’ll go mad.

Sometimes I wonder what the whole point of this is. Maybe, despite the fact that I can fall pregnant, maybe we aren’t actually supposed to. I don’t know what the future holds (and that’s ok), but maybe Karl & I will actually go through our lives better without children. Who knows. Speculation is speculation. You can do it all you want but it doesn’t necessarily help.

I feel very conflicted lately. I want to do so many things but then at the same time I really can’t be bothered. Except traveling. I could definitely travel. It seems like the ultimate emotional avoidance plan and it’s completely financially unrealistic but it’s definitely a good idea!

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Author: thegriefdiariesblog

A borderline hyperactive Personal Trainer, navigating the process of starting a family.

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