My mother-in-law mentioned something today with regards to our puppies that stuck with me.
It was something along the lines of “our family situation has changed…” meaning, we were less inclined to use a certain room in their house, because it was a room to be kept tidy. Let’s face it, the puppies are anything but tidy!
The comment stuck with me because our family situation has changed, so much, but yet from the “outside” it’s still very much the same.
Karl and I are parents to two babies. One we saw it’s heartbeat, the other we didn’t. That is as good as it has got for us. For us, they were images on a screen. The images, the positive pregnancy tests, and my short-lived symptoms were as good as it got for us. We never saw them any bigger than my fingernail, never got to feel the first flutters and kicks, never got to go shopping and set up their bedrooms. In a way it seems like we have been robbed of something. There’s a vacancy in our lives that won’t even be filled by successfully birthing future babies. Sometimes it seems like they weren’t even real, but the grief alone proves otherwise.
From the outside we are still Hannah and Karl, ‘parents’ of Smudge the cat and Penny the pup. There is no sign that anything could have gone wrong. We haven’t told so many people, so why would anything be different?
Things won’t ever be the same.