Sober

I have a bit of a connection with Pink. I’ve often said that my dream job would be to run away and join her ‘circus’. How much fun would that be??  There’s just something about her that I find really awesome. I’m not sure if it’s her personality, or the fact that she used to be a gymnast and now does the coolest performances ever, or the way she creates and performs her music. I think it’s all of that combined that I love so much.

One of the songs I have a huge connection with at the moment is “Sober”. I first fell in love with the song when I saw it performed on TV (a TV screening of her “Truth About Love” tour in Melbourne a few years back).  At first I was in love with the performance, but then the words started to stand out.

Check out the performance here 🙂

The first verse speaks of a party girl, someone fun loving, but clearly has underlying issues. I feel like in a few ways I am like this girl, except I have no problem laughing out loud, being alone, and I would actually be at home in bed at 4am!

But the chorus is what really speaks to me.

“I’m safe, up high, nothing can touch me, but why do I feel this party’s over? No pain inside, you’re my protection. How do I feel this good sober?”

While I’m not into drinking or substances, we all have that thing that numbs the pain, quietens the never-ending conversation in your head, and makes us feel protected. For me, after everything that has happened, every time I’ve gone to some form of acrobatics.

The first miscarriage, I went back to pole. This second time, I’m attempting level 4 (gymnastics). There’s a certain expression in it that helps me, but the distraction and the simple fun of it can also be a bit consuming in order to feel happy.

How do I feel this good sober?

“The quiet scares me ’cause it screams the truth”

The quiet doesn’t scare me, but it’s certainly confronting. It allows feelings to surface that you wish weren’t there, and then you’re asking yourself the same thing (yet again). Why did this have to happen? Why couldn’t my baby just survive? Of course, we need to deal with these things, but when it comes to grieving, procrastination always feels like a good idea. Where is our next “fix” so we can feel better again.

“When it’s good, then it’s good, it’s so good ’til it goes bad. ‘Til you’re trying to find the you that you once had.”

I think that’s just what we’re all trying to do. Reclaim our happy, unscarred lives. We’re all just begging to be taken back to a time and place before tragedies existed so we can have normalcy and happiness again. So we can feel like we can breathe again, without the shadows of sadness haunting our sunshine.

Looking for myself – sober.

 

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Author: thegriefdiariesblog

A borderline hyperactive Personal Trainer, navigating the process of starting a family.

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