It’s been a while!

It seems like so much has been happening lately. It’s been busy and I’m tired.

Work is good, but of course could still be better. The 8 Week Challenge has helped me get busier, now I just need a few more clients to be sitting pretty.

On the baby front, things are going well. We still haven’t had a positive result, but the last 2 cycles (inclusive of this one) have had marked improvements. Good temperatures in both phases, with obvious temperature shifts around ovulation. It’s been so good to have ovulation so easily confirmed!

Just like every month lately, I have a good feeling about this cycle. Of course it is such early days, I’m almost hesitant to speak those words because I know that in a couple of weeks I may be eating them, as I so frequently do. So, now I just wait, look after myself as best I can, and don’t freak out about a possible pregnancy and whether or not soft cooked eggs will make a difference at whatever-day-past-ovulation. I’ve been very disciplined and put my thermometer in the bathroom so I’m not tempted to take my temperature and get hung up on things. So far so good, but then again, it’s only been a couple of days! I’m sure curiosity will creep up eventually. I’ve already been thinking about when this baby could be due, if we were actually pregnant. A February baby, which would be nice, because there are so many birthdays in the last half of the year in our family. Already I feel like I’m getting ahead of myself all because of this “good feeling”, I’m trying to keep it in check as much as possible.

Aside from that the weather is starting to cool down significantly. The other morning it was 7 degrees! I know it’s not as cold as some places, and it’s definitely not the coldest I’ve experienced, but for the Gold Coast it is definitely chilly! The good thing about this time of year though is the clear blue skies and comfortable daytime temperatures. We’re definitely spoilt here.

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How’s that for a cracker of a day? With a bit of luck I’ll be laying on the beach keeping warm (I get quite cold with the gym’s air conditioning) this week!

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The other exciting thing about this time of year, is the humpback whale migration. If you look close enough you might see some splashes near the horizon, just right of centre. These guys were quite active but not breaching as such. It’s very early in the season, and I’m super excited to see lots of activity in the months ahead 🙂

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Holding on

How do you figure out how to let something go, when you’ve never really had it?

I’ve “had” my babies in the truest form. They were / are 100% mine (and Karl’s 😊). BUT – we never got more than positive pregnancy tests, symptoms, and ultrasound scans. We never had them in the traditional “right there in front of me” sense.

I know that I will never forget them and I don’t think anyone will want to forget their unborn child. But it’s weird to imagine myself having the peace and freedom of mind to go through a day where I wouldn’t think about my losses, to not be grieving so heavily that they consume my thoughts. I know this is possible because I’m now like this with my Dad (he died in 2012), but losing 2 babies is very different.

So that is the question of the day. How to hold on to what memories we have, but at the same time letting go and having mental room to move again. Something to pray about.

What do I want for Mother’s Day?

I don’t know what I want for Mother’s Day, but I do know what I don’t want.

I don’t want to have people asking me when I’m having children.

I don’t want to have people imply that “I’m next”, or that I deserve credit on this day because as a woman with a uterus, it will be “up for rent” eventually.

I don’t want to be sitting in church enjoying my friends’ company and have a whole bunch of people constantly dribble through like a production line over my friends’ babies. Thanks for making the emptiness so apparent, even if it is only apparent to me.

I think I want to be left alone this Mother’s Day. That way I can continue to be happy with my husband, and not be set off by anything!