What would have been.

I’m very aware that my blog makes me seem quite depressed. For the record, I’d like to assure you I am quite a happy person! So, please forgive my frequent depressed rantings 🙂

But anyway – that’s not quite what we’re here for today. Today we’re here to celebrate what would have been.

I have been thinking about this blog post for a while now. In my mind I had the perfect cupcake image, but unfortunately google is full of images that are not the one in my head. Naturally. So this one will have to do. (Nara if you read this I saw no cupcakes that were anywhere near as good as what I’ve seen you create!)

Today would have been my wonderful little first baby’s first birthday. Happy birthday Bubba 🙂 I can only imagine what our little baby would be like. Gender, eye colour, hair colour, temperament, are all up to my imagination.

Sometimes I feel a little weird celebrating a baby who never really came into existence. It’s almost like a child with an imaginary friend. The imaginary friend is real to the child but to everyone else it’s exactly that – a figment of their imagination. Is that what this seems like? Am I holding on to my imaginary baby as if it’s a security blanket? Because I’m so desperate to have something because I know I might not ever have another one? But I know my baby was real, and to me it still is even though it only ever got to 7 or 8 weeks, and it has been gone for a very long time now.

I’m sure people will say “do what you feel you need to do”. I’m sure my psychologist would say that. And trust me I am, but sometimes it still feels a little odd.

It’s sad to think of what could have been. Things could have been so different. My mind tells me that life would have been so much happier, because of how happy we were when I was pregnant. Yeah, I’m sad. I wish I was preparing for an actual celebration. A celebration with lots of cupcakes for my little family and my baby’s friends. Chocolate cupcakes with yummy icing. A celebration with happiness.