After posting my hasty “I’m so over this” blog (if you can call it that), I decided that I would journal a bit, get my thought processes straight and chat with my husband.
You see, the worst thing about this for me, is that I feel like my life has been hijacked. I am 10,000% grateful for the presence of gymnastics in my life. Goodness knows what my mental state would be like without it! But still, even though I have the best distraction in the world, and as much as I try to push symptom spotting and hopeful feelings aside, that 2WW is still there, and it’s still difficult even though gymnastics has brought back fun into my life.
We have a local competition coming up early in 2017, and providing it’s not on a Saturday, I’d really love to participate. It’s called Australia’s Fittest Gym and is almost like a mini crossfit games. check out the promo video here. look for the boys in red – that’s the team I coached! We definitely weren’t first on the leaderboard but we had a great time and the boys pulled out some great individual scores. This year I want to enter a guy’s and a girl’s team, hopefully with me in it. What I would really love to do, is absolutely throw myself into training (for this and gymnastics), push myself hard, all without worrying about whether or not I’m pregnant. Just to get my life back and not think about babies is 100% what I want right now. If I can do that (not think about babies), while still trying for babies, that would be the BEST!! All I really need is just a mental break, because I do still want a life with my own biological kids.
So after speaking with my husband about it last night and today, I think we’ve come up with a decent plan. At least for now. For a long time now I’ve been asking myself (and my husband has asked himself that too), how much longer do we do this? How much longer am I going to live in this emotionally drained state? For our own sanity and happiness, we need to know when to call it quits. I thought to myself sometime in the last 9-24 hours, maybe let’s just do 1 round of IVF, and if it doesn’t work, we’re done. No more trying for babies, let’s just get our lives back. Then this morning, my husband said to me the exact same plan, without me mentioning anything to him about what I had been thinking. I’m not sure if this is a sign that this is what we should do, but this is what we’re going to run with. I definitely do not want to do IVF. A drawn out process of daily injections, specialists and multiple hospital visits is not how I believe babies are best made. But, if it’s a means to an end, and it means that we can just move on regardless of the outcome, then I suppose I’ll give it a go.
It does leave us with the questions of what to do with left over embryos if we are unsuccessful, and what will we even do once we decide to stop trying with regards to contraception, but for now I’m happy with this plan. We can discuss embryo stuff with the specialist, and we can think about preventing pregnancy once the IVF is over if it doesn’t work. Right now, I’m happy to stop thinking about it.
In the meantime, we get our referrals, and we start the process. Last month we tried “the stork” conception kit which did not go well, but maybe we will try using it another way this cycle just to get our money’s worth. We will chat about that… sometime before this period is over.
In the meantime, here’s part of my bars routine, and me slipping off 😂
Anyway. Here’s to having a plan. Sort of…