Well, that was rough.

This week has been less than fun. Aside from dealing with a heavy and uncomfortable period, I have been extremely tired and grumpy, with the odd dose of randomly timed tears, just for good measure.

I don’t know how meeting up with our specialist will help us. Obviously we have our questions but how much can he really answer? It’s not as if he can tell us how many rounds we will need to do for this to work. So much of the decision on whether or not to try again will be 100% up to us.

I had a skype date with my best friend in NZ on Monday. She is such a blessing. Unfortunately she had to endure my ugly crying face for a short while but it was nice to talk to her. I really wish we were all closer. I feel like because my small number of (local) close friends have limited knowledge of our previous unsuccessful pregnancies, the best thing to do would be to completely move away and start fresh. I call it running away but my best friend lovingly said it wasn’t running away at all. I think I just need this to be over, no matter what we call it. I want my life back. I know I’ve said that a number of times now but it is so true. I feel like I’m suffocating in my own unhappiness and it’s like I’ll never be free from that feeling until it’s over. I just want to tell people exactly how I’m feeling, no sugar coating it. Tell them how much I hate their wonderful perfect family (even though I don’t hate them at all), and how their happiness hurts me so much. I just want to meet my own little people and have the connection that everyone else is so blessed to have. I want to be their preferred person when things are sad, or when they do something cool and who else would they share their excitement with but mum? In a lot of ways I’m wondering how I will get through life without that. Especially when my other feelings of “getting my life back” and the things I would do are so opposite to a life with children. I’d feel like I’m constantly just trying to fill a void that I know won’t be filled with random fun things.

Actually, for anyone who does actually read my blog, how did you decide to tell people about your struggle? When you decided that enough was enough and children sadly weren’t going to be a part of your lives? How did you deal with questions or comments from well meaning people? Because the last thing I want is to feel like I’m obliged to give information when I really just want to tell people to rack off. And I don’t want to have to deal with people’s unintentional stupidity when it comes to how infertility works. That’s why we haven’t told many people. We want to protect ourselves and our privacy, and we don’t want to have to deal with people who just have no clue. People who think that you could do a cleanse and all your problems would be solved because clearly your hormones are out of balance so therefore your liver needs some help from this mysterious Himalayan fungus 😒 Did I mention my rage issues that make me want to throat punch people? Don’t get me started on the “you’re next” people…

My husband mentioned maybe doing one more round, if the specialist thinks it’s worth a shot. The skeptic in my thinks that of course he thinks it’s worth a shot, he will be getting paid for it. But I need to believe that he actually wants the best for us so I need to tell the inner skeptic to shut up a sec. And while this cycle was supposed to be the decider, what if we’re just not ready to give up yet, despite the hugely apparent emotional exhaustion? Or what if we need to do just one more round to be sure we read the signs right? All the while I don’t want to force nature into something that shouldn’t happen and have the outcome be the worst possible thing and then have to deal with it for the rest of our lives. That sounds awful, but it’s the truth, it’s genuinely what is going on in my head. Maybe I shouldn’t think that, I try not to but I do.
Anyway. I think that’s enough rambling for now.



Well, IVF 1 is done and dusted.

I didn’t really need to wait for the blood test to know the official outcome, but of course being the compliant patient that I am I listened to my team and continued with the plan.

On Saturday night the spotting started. Three or four days from my due date, the changes started happening like clock work. I had read that Crinone can sometimes cause irritation and bleeding but this was just a little too familiar. If I’m going to get a period, this is when the spotting starts.

But of course – we keep an open mind. People with varying degrees of spotting or bleeding end up having successful pregnancies right? But on Sunday the cramping and “light” bleeding became more apparent, and by Monday we had basically a full blown period. Hello cramps, bloating and basically a crime scene in my pants. Sunday and Monday were definitely down days. Plenty of disappointment and teary moments.

I spoke with my nurse who agreed, it didn’t sound hopeful at all. So she recommended that I do my blood test a day early and to continue with the progesterone until we got the results. Yay… That night I did my dose, within minutes the cramping was nearly unbearable, I was on the toilet and let’s just say there wasn’t much of that dose left! I didn’t even bother with the morning dose (I was on 2 per day).

So, yesterday we did the blood test, and as expected it was zero HCG. Not one micro-ounce, so if implantation did occur, it certainly didn’t last long. Getting the result wasn’t awful, but just more of the same. That mildly angry “eff the world” feeling that you get while you’re thinking “Of course it’s negative! Why on earth would it be positive?” You feel like it’s borderline stupidity to expect any other result. This just doesn’t happen, and when it does, it doesn’t last.
So, now we wade through the disappointment, and try to figure out what to do next. This was supposed to be our line in the sand, but naturally that’s easier said than done. Of course we want to keep pursuing it, but we can’t afford the expense of another full blown round. But do we really want another possible failed round? Do we want another pregnancy that could possibly end in miscarriage? Of course it could work out perfectly fine, but with no frozen embryos, this could be a very clear definite “no” for us. We just need to know if we are reading the signs right. If we read them wrong, we risk blowing another multiple thousands of dollars that could go towards something far more positive for us and our marriage. Trying is never a waste, but how much more do we flog this quite possibly dead horse? In some ways I would much rather invest that money on travel and spending time actually enjoying our lives together – something that has been missing for a good two and a bit years now. While I still want kids, I still want my life back. I want the freedom to know that I’m not going to ruin a potential pregnancy by possibly doing the wrong thing (I know, flawed logic, but after losses one gets paranoid). How does one know when the stop?

But more importantly, how do you decide to actively prevent pregnancy? Do I go on the pill (blehh no thank you), does hubby get something permanent like a vasectomy? Because while pregnancies aren’t exactly a common thing for us, preventing a miscarriage is more important for our mental health than preventing a pregnancy. But then again, doing something so permanent is pretty heartbreaking. The whole situation is heartbreaking. We will see what.our specialist says next week at our follow up appointment.

Here’s to discussions. Many, many discussions…


So far, the dreaded 2WW (two week wait) hasn’t been all that dreaded. One week has passed since embryo transfer and things are going well.

Last week I didn’t go to the workshop at all (well, I did, but not in a working capacity), since our IVF nurse advised us that it was crucial to not overheat. Considering the recent weather, the workshop would clearly not be an ideal place to be, since in summer the temperatures regularly get up close to 40 degrees (Celsius). So this week I have been resting, relaxing, and working from home doing my PT and Jamberry work. It has been really nice to just have a change of pace, rest whenever I feel I need to and invest all I can into making our baby work out. Obviously, I can only do so much, but despite the outcome I know I’m doing what I can.
There haven’t been a huge amount of symptoms indicating a pregnancy. I have been a little more emotional than usual (as we have expected with this whole round of IVF and medication). Aside from that sometimes I feel positive like it could really work, other times I feel like is it really working? Sure, we put an embryo in there, but who’s to say it’s even implanted. And if it implanted, we don’t even know if it will last. But those feelings aren’t exclusive to me during my 2WW. They are generally present in some form or other, all the time!

However, since Wednesday, fatigue has hit me like a truck! Wowzer, so tired! This is one thing I am remembering from my previous pregnancies. But this far before my period was due? Hmm… not sure if it’s a pregnancy thing or a progesterone thing.

I’m also noticing urgent hunger. Like, hmm, yeah I might be hungry? (5 minutes later) still… not sure. Five minutes later again – I NEED FOOD NOW. Another thing I remember from previous pregnancies.

My patience level is also rock bottom. Normally I don’t care about red lights unless I’m running late. Now? A red light is just the most awful thing to endure! Sometimes I feel like I should not be in charge of a vehicle because people just make me angry! I definitely remember this feeling from my previous pregnancies. 

But once again, I don’t want to count my eggs (or embryos) before they hatch. I know that this could very well just be the progesterone talking, I am using the stuff morning and night! 😁 Thankfully, I’m getting through this ok so far. There has been a lot of prayer about it, and I think it is working. I know that of anyone, God has this under His control and His care, and whatever happens, everything will be okay (even if it doesn’t seem like it to begin with). Even if God says no, life will be ok. The same with if God says yes. Having that trust is definitely helping and I’m glad to have God through this.

IVF Cycle 1…

The last 3 ish weeks has flown by! I know I always say that but it’s true, because life all of a sudden got very busy when I got my period a few weeks back.

As you can tell from the title and my last post, IVF was our next step, and that step has now been taken. Thankfully the daily injections went seamlessly, with a maximum of 3 bruises. I feel quite skilled in injecting myself into the small layer of my belly fat now (I’m super thankful I don’t have a very low body fat percentage!) 😊 Having been through three blood tests, two ultrasounds and one egg retrieval, spirits were quite high and confidence was good.

One thing I have thoroughly enjoyed since starting IVF is having the whole process in someone else’s hands. Previously, even though it wasn’t hugely stressful, there was always that responsibility of reading your body’s signs correctly, and then of course making sure you do the right thing at the right time. Super romantic… 😒 So this month has been a nice change of pace. All I need to do is keep up with my medications, look after myself and turn up to the clinic when the time is right.

After egg pick up, our week was very difficult. They got 8 eggs, 6 of which fertilised. YAY! Then, the number dropped to 4, which plummeted again to 2. When the number dropped to 4 I immediately burst into tears after getting off the phone, so naturally when I heard we only had 2 left that were progressing I automatically started thinking about my future life without childrenand how I was going to really enjoy getting stuck into crossfit 😂 Oh hormones… 😁 Then the next morning I woke up feeling different, almost confident and assured that we still had 2 embryos. The phone call came and that gut feeling was proven correct. Two embryos had progressed, transfer was going ahead. It was so good to get positive news, because let’s face it, we haven’t had much of that in the past few years!

This morning we had our embryo transfer. I was super nervous initially because I had the impression that the whole thing was going to take 15 minutes. Joy. I’m really not good with pap smears so the fact that it was going to (apparently) take significantly longer just thrilled my soul to bits (note: sarcasm). Last night we met up with my inlaws and had a bit of a prayer, which was nice. We prayed that the transfer would go well, that there would be minimal discomfort, and that there would be an ultrasound screen for me to watch the transfer on for a bit of a distraction. I’m happy to say that all of those things happened 😊 It was so great to have a good team helping us but to also be able to see what they were doing, and to see our little embryo in it’s squishy new home. Within 5 minutes it was done! Finally I could pee!!! We were given a microscope photo of our embryo which I enthusiastically accepted. Previously we have never had any imaging of our pregnancies and this time I’m determined to get every picture I can! I’m ot sure if it’s a 100% perfect blasyocyst, but the embryologist was happy, and from what I have read about blastocyst grading, I’m happy too (FYI if you feel the need to give your opinion on the quality of my blasyocyst’s progress, don’t bother). We have our first baby photo and it’s quite exciting 😊

I’m calling this one my Squishy. It’s nice to have it with us finally.

So, little Squishy, feel free to hatch, and snuggle in deep, because I fully intend on having a good 36-42 weeks of growing you ❤

It’s early days. Despite my excellent maternal intentions, we know that this may not work, so I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts, keep praying, keep talking to my Squishy, and just enjoy it one day at a time 😊