This week has been less than fun. Aside from dealing with a heavy and uncomfortable period, I have been extremely tired and grumpy, with the odd dose of randomly timed tears, just for good measure.
I don’t know how meeting up with our specialist will help us. Obviously we have our questions but how much can he really answer? It’s not as if he can tell us how many rounds we will need to do for this to work. So much of the decision on whether or not to try again will be 100% up to us.
I had a skype date with my best friend in NZ on Monday. She is such a blessing. Unfortunately she had to endure my ugly crying face for a short while but it was nice to talk to her. I really wish we were all closer. I feel like because my small number of (local) close friends have limited knowledge of our previous unsuccessful pregnancies, the best thing to do would be to completely move away and start fresh. I call it running away but my best friend lovingly said it wasn’t running away at all. I think I just need this to be over, no matter what we call it. I want my life back. I know I’ve said that a number of times now but it is so true. I feel like I’m suffocating in my own unhappiness and it’s like I’ll never be free from that feeling until it’s over. I just want to tell people exactly how I’m feeling, no sugar coating it. Tell them how much I hate their wonderful perfect family (even though I don’t hate them at all), and how their happiness hurts me so much. I just want to meet my own little people and have the connection that everyone else is so blessed to have. I want to be their preferred person when things are sad, or when they do something cool and who else would they share their excitement with but mum? In a lot of ways I’m wondering how I will get through life without that. Especially when my other feelings of “getting my life back” and the things I would do are so opposite to a life with children. I’d feel like I’m constantly just trying to fill a void that I know won’t be filled with random fun things.
Actually, for anyone who does actually read my blog, how did you decide to tell people about your struggle? When you decided that enough was enough and children sadly weren’t going to be a part of your lives? How did you deal with questions or comments from well meaning people? Because the last thing I want is to feel like I’m obliged to give information when I really just want to tell people to rack off. And I don’t want to have to deal with people’s unintentional stupidity when it comes to how infertility works. That’s why we haven’t told many people. We want to protect ourselves and our privacy, and we don’t want to have to deal with people who just have no clue. People who think that you could do a cleanse and all your problems would be solved because clearly your hormones are out of balance so therefore your liver needs some help from this mysterious Himalayan fungus 😒 Did I mention my rage issues that make me want to throat punch people? Don’t get me started on the “you’re next” people…
My husband mentioned maybe doing one more round, if the specialist thinks it’s worth a shot. The skeptic in my thinks that of course he thinks it’s worth a shot, he will be getting paid for it. But I need to believe that he actually wants the best for us so I need to tell the inner skeptic to shut up a sec. And while this cycle was supposed to be the decider, what if we’re just not ready to give up yet, despite the hugely apparent emotional exhaustion? Or what if we need to do just one more round to be sure we read the signs right? All the while I don’t want to force nature into something that shouldn’t happen and have the outcome be the worst possible thing and then have to deal with it for the rest of our lives. That sounds awful, but it’s the truth, it’s genuinely what is going on in my head. Maybe I shouldn’t think that, I try not to but I do.
Anyway. I think that’s enough rambling for now.