Gone (not forgotten)

Welcome to my dreams board. You’re currently looking at the remnants of v2.0 from early 2015. It’s been “safely stored” under my glory box for a while now (read: forgotten about and gathered sufficient dust for just over 2 years).

You see those pink and blue bits just left of and below centre? That’s where the baby / family goal was. I made this not long after my first miscarriage. I kind of numbed myself to what I was doing when I took that part off earlier tonight. It was very reflectful (if that’s even a word). Tearing off old dreams with the assistance of scissors is a mixture of sadness, disappointment, but also a quiet excitement for the possibilities of the future. Sometimes you have to suck it up and let dreams die in order to be happy again.


I’ve been thinking about that first pregnancy a little bit lately. I think it’s because I know that I won’t have that opportunity again, to see a precious little heartbeat and to see the hidden excitement that only you and your husband know about. I wish I had photos. I never want to forget that special time. That moment when the double line on the pregnancy test becomes a 2D image with a lovely little flicker of a heartbeat. It’s real, it starts to sink in.

The grief and the sadness never goes away fully. It doesn’t matter how many times you re-do your dreams board, or how much traveling you to do bring back some form of happiness into your life. I’ll always miss that little person and that little heartbeat. And it’s phantom sibling who disappeared on us a year later.

Sometimes before I go to sleep, I’ll pray that I’ll dream about my babies. See what they would have been like, meet them in a sense. So far it hasn’t happened and that’s ok because well, one day Heaven will happen and I won’t need to wake up to a life without them.

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I never expected

I never expected that at the ripe old age of 34 I would be considering birth control options again. The future always had children in it, the possibility of not having children was always just that, just a possibility.

When you’re faced with not having kids, life changes. It’s sobering. Not only will you not have the joy that other parents have (baby showers, the birth, life’s firsts for your little one/s, the list goes on), but you realise that life ends with you. You are where the line stops. Once one of us dies, the other will be alone.

It’s not that we can’t have children. It’s the fact that my AMH levels are already low-ish, my body has just been purged of over a year’s worth of eggs, and if my egg quality improved with this second round of IVF, but none of the 5 eggs that were able to be injected even fertilised, then do we want to risk more miscarriages through continuing to try unassisted? IVF # 1 was our initial line in the sand. IVF # 2 was the new line in the sand. I wanted my life back one way or another (with or without children), and that is what I have got.

Don’t get me wrong. In amongst the sad and sobering moments of our current position, things are actually quite good. I’m feeling that such a load has been lifted from me. I’m enjoying not thinking about pregnancy. I’m enjoying not giving myself injections and having irrational moody reactions to silly little things. I’m enjoying the fact that I can go and bounce on a trampoline or do gymnastics (aka enjoying life) without the fear of doing something detrimental to an unborn child that I may not even know about. The gold star goes to me for my maternal protection levels but good grief that was exhausting. I’m looking forward to the travel we have planned and actually doing something positive for ourselves. We have been through enough. We don’t want your “prayers for a miracle”, we want your “prayers for God’s will”. And as far as we are concerned, we already know what that will is. Thank you for your hope, it’s lovely, but I don’t want it. I also don’t want your comments of “when we gave up I fell pregnant”. I’d like to exchange it for adventure.

Which brings me back to the original topic. Contraceptives. I probably shouldn’t use the NuvaRing, because well, I’m almost 35 years old. Can I be bothered taking the pill again and dealing with the side effects? Do I want to attempt a diaphragm? No way in the world am I getting any form of IUD (I am an IUD baby by the way), so what does that leave me with? Not a heck of a lot… I’m tempted to chart again and use all the “fertility awareness” methods I have learned over the years to help me avoid pregnancy rather than achieve it. Really, I should just suck it up and go see my GP. But that would mean talking to someone face to face about what we’ve just gone through and well… I’m not quite sure I want to unleash the ugly crying face and relentless snot on some poor unsuspecting health professional.

Anyway. I’d better get some work done. Have you seen Girlboss on Netflix? Feels a wee bit like my life right now… (minus the random sexual encounter in episode 1 and hernia in episode 2).