Gone (not forgotten)

Welcome to my dreams board. You’re currently looking at the remnants of v2.0 from early 2015. It’s been “safely stored” under my glory box for a while now (read: forgotten about and gathered sufficient dust for just over 2 years).

You see those pink and blue bits just left of and below centre? That’s where the baby / family goal was. I made this not long after my first miscarriage. I kind of numbed myself to what I was doing when I took that part off earlier tonight. It was very reflectful (if that’s even a word). Tearing off old dreams with the assistance of scissors is a mixture of sadness, disappointment, but also a quiet excitement for the possibilities of the future. Sometimes you have to suck it up and let dreams die in order to be happy again.

I’ve been thinking about that first pregnancy a little bit lately. I think it’s because I know that I won’t have that opportunity again, to see a precious little heartbeat and to see the hidden excitement that only you and your husband know about. I wish I had photos. I never want to forget that special time. That moment when the double line on the pregnancy test becomes a 2D image with a lovely little flicker of a heartbeat. It’s real, it starts to sink in.

The grief and the sadness never goes away fully. It doesn’t matter how many times you re-do your dreams board, or how much traveling you to do bring back some form of happiness into your life. I’ll always miss that little person and that little heartbeat. And it’s phantom sibling who disappeared on us a year later.

Sometimes before I go to sleep, I’ll pray that I’ll dream about my babies. See what they would have been like, meet them in a sense. So far it hasn’t happened and that’s ok because well, one day Heaven will happen and I won’t need to wake up to a life without them.


Author: thegriefdiariesblog

A borderline hyperactive Personal Trainer, navigating the process of starting a family.

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