Have you ever?

I felt the tears coming for probably a week. I spent a week in NZ with some of my absolute favouritest people in existence. It’s always hard to leave but the thing with me is, I always think to myself “what if something happens and this is the last time I ever see you?” Goodbyes seem a little harder and it’s probably my brain’s fault.

Have you ever just completely had no control over tears? Unfortunately it’s been a common occurrence over the past few years. Yesterday was no exception. I was getting some work done and I thought, why not have a movie on in the background? After flicking through Netflix, I spied the first Sex and the City movie. I never got into that series but despite growing up a bit of a tomboy I am a sucker for fashion. But for some reason, it just made me bawl my eyes out. Not because it was an awful movie, or because it was sad, it was none of those things (well, some of it was sad). Maybe it was because there were four women, together. I miss that. My best friends are strewn across the world and desipe connecting with them most days digitally, I would love to have them here in person with me. The way Charlotte yelled at Big when he left Carrie really struck something in me. That deep love that causes all of us to protect each other fiercely. I wish we were all closer so we could love each other in more tangible ways in our tragic situations. How I would love “a Samantha” to tell someone where to go when they ask me inappropriate questions. Or a Charlotte to hold me tight and yell in my defence while I struggle to hold myself together. My husband has been all of these things for me (as I have for him), but he hurts too. He needs his own best friends in his own way just as I need mine. I wish he had that easier.

So basically for 2 hours I cried. And somehow, afterwards, my eyes didn’t look that terrible! I felt a bit better 😊


Author: thegriefdiariesblog

A borderline hyperactive Personal Trainer, navigating the process of starting a family.

2 thoughts on “Have you ever?”

  1. Ah I know that feeling very well. Living in Italy with friends in the UK and Australia (as I lived there for 7 years too) I find that loneliness and longing for old friends tough. Obviously with infertility on top it’s not much fun. But sounds like you did exactly the right thing….Have a cry, let it out… XXX


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