Have you ever?

I felt the tears coming for probably a week. I spent a week in NZ with some of my absolute favouritest people in existence. It’s always hard to leave but the thing with me is, I always think to myself “what if something happens and this is the last time I ever see you?” Goodbyes seem a little harder and it’s probably my brain’s fault.

Have you ever just completely had no control over tears? Unfortunately it’s been a common occurrence over the past few years. Yesterday was no exception. I was getting some work done and I thought, why not have a movie on in the background? After flicking through Netflix, I spied the first Sex and the City movie. I never got into that series but despite growing up a bit of a tomboy I am a sucker for fashion. But for some reason, it just made me bawl my eyes out. Not because it was an awful movie, or because it was sad, it was none of those things (well, some of it was sad). Maybe it was because there were four women, together. I miss that. My best friends are strewn across the world and desipe connecting with them most days digitally, I would love to have them here in person with me. The way Charlotte yelled at Big when he left Carrie really struck something in me. That deep love that causes all of us to protect each other fiercely. I wish we were all closer so we could love each other in more tangible ways in our tragic situations. How I would love “a Samantha” to tell someone where to go when they ask me inappropriate questions. Or a Charlotte to hold me tight and yell in my defence while I struggle to hold myself together. My husband has been all of these things for me (as I have for him), but he hurts too. He needs his own best friends in his own way just as I need mine. I wish he had that easier.

So basically for 2 hours I cried. And somehow, afterwards, my eyes didn’t look that terrible! I felt a bit better 😊


Gone (not forgotten)

Welcome to my dreams board. You’re currently looking at the remnants of v2.0 from early 2015. It’s been “safely stored” under my glory box for a while now (read: forgotten about and gathered sufficient dust for just over 2 years).

You see those pink and blue bits just left of and below centre? That’s where the baby / family goal was. I made this not long after my first miscarriage. I kind of numbed myself to what I was doing when I took that part off earlier tonight. It was very reflectful (if that’s even a word). Tearing off old dreams with the assistance of scissors is a mixture of sadness, disappointment, but also a quiet excitement for the possibilities of the future. Sometimes you have to suck it up and let dreams die in order to be happy again.

I’ve been thinking about that first pregnancy a little bit lately. I think it’s because I know that I won’t have that opportunity again, to see a precious little heartbeat and to see the hidden excitement that only you and your husband know about. I wish I had photos. I never want to forget that special time. That moment when the double line on the pregnancy test becomes a 2D image with a lovely little flicker of a heartbeat. It’s real, it starts to sink in.

The grief and the sadness never goes away fully. It doesn’t matter how many times you re-do your dreams board, or how much traveling you to do bring back some form of happiness into your life. I’ll always miss that little person and that little heartbeat. And it’s phantom sibling who disappeared on us a year later.

Sometimes before I go to sleep, I’ll pray that I’ll dream about my babies. See what they would have been like, meet them in a sense. So far it hasn’t happened and that’s ok because well, one day Heaven will happen and I won’t need to wake up to a life without them.

I never expected

I never expected that at the ripe old age of 34 I would be considering birth control options again. The future always had children in it, the possibility of not having children was always just that, just a possibility.

When you’re faced with not having kids, life changes. It’s sobering. Not only will you not have the joy that other parents have (baby showers, the birth, life’s firsts for your little one/s, the list goes on), but you realise that life ends with you. You are where the line stops. Once one of us dies, the other will be alone.

It’s not that we can’t have children. It’s the fact that my AMH levels are already low-ish, my body has just been purged of over a year’s worth of eggs, and if my egg quality improved with this second round of IVF, but none of the 5 eggs that were able to be injected even fertilised, then do we want to risk more miscarriages through continuing to try unassisted? IVF # 1 was our initial line in the sand. IVF # 2 was the new line in the sand. I wanted my life back one way or another (with or without children), and that is what I have got.

Don’t get me wrong. In amongst the sad and sobering moments of our current position, things are actually quite good. I’m feeling that such a load has been lifted from me. I’m enjoying not thinking about pregnancy. I’m enjoying not giving myself injections and having irrational moody reactions to silly little things. I’m enjoying the fact that I can go and bounce on a trampoline or do gymnastics (aka enjoying life) without the fear of doing something detrimental to an unborn child that I may not even know about. The gold star goes to me for my maternal protection levels but good grief that was exhausting. I’m looking forward to the travel we have planned and actually doing something positive for ourselves. We have been through enough. We don’t want your “prayers for a miracle”, we want your “prayers for God’s will”. And as far as we are concerned, we already know what that will is. Thank you for your hope, it’s lovely, but I don’t want it. I also don’t want your comments of “when we gave up I fell pregnant”. I’d like to exchange it for adventure.

Which brings me back to the original topic. Contraceptives. I probably shouldn’t use the NuvaRing, because well, I’m almost 35 years old. Can I be bothered taking the pill again and dealing with the side effects? Do I want to attempt a diaphragm? No way in the world am I getting any form of IUD (I am an IUD baby by the way), so what does that leave me with? Not a heck of a lot… I’m tempted to chart again and use all the “fertility awareness” methods I have learned over the years to help me avoid pregnancy rather than achieve it. Really, I should just suck it up and go see my GP. But that would mean talking to someone face to face about what we’ve just gone through and well… I’m not quite sure I want to unleash the ugly crying face and relentless snot on some poor unsuspecting health professional.

Anyway. I’d better get some work done. Have you seen Girlboss on Netflix? Feels a wee bit like my life right now… (minus the random sexual encounter in episode 1 and hernia in episode 2).


Well, IVF 1 is done and dusted.

I didn’t really need to wait for the blood test to know the official outcome, but of course being the compliant patient that I am I listened to my team and continued with the plan.

On Saturday night the spotting started. Three or four days from my due date, the changes started happening like clock work. I had read that Crinone can sometimes cause irritation and bleeding but this was just a little too familiar. If I’m going to get a period, this is when the spotting starts.

But of course – we keep an open mind. People with varying degrees of spotting or bleeding end up having successful pregnancies right? But on Sunday the cramping and “light” bleeding became more apparent, and by Monday we had basically a full blown period. Hello cramps, bloating and basically a crime scene in my pants. Sunday and Monday were definitely down days. Plenty of disappointment and teary moments.

I spoke with my nurse who agreed, it didn’t sound hopeful at all. So she recommended that I do my blood test a day early and to continue with the progesterone until we got the results. Yay… That night I did my dose, within minutes the cramping was nearly unbearable, I was on the toilet and let’s just say there wasn’t much of that dose left! I didn’t even bother with the morning dose (I was on 2 per day).

So, yesterday we did the blood test, and as expected it was zero HCG. Not one micro-ounce, so if implantation did occur, it certainly didn’t last long. Getting the result wasn’t awful, but just more of the same. That mildly angry “eff the world” feeling that you get while you’re thinking “Of course it’s negative! Why on earth would it be positive?” You feel like it’s borderline stupidity to expect any other result. This just doesn’t happen, and when it does, it doesn’t last.
So, now we wade through the disappointment, and try to figure out what to do next. This was supposed to be our line in the sand, but naturally that’s easier said than done. Of course we want to keep pursuing it, but we can’t afford the expense of another full blown round. But do we really want another possible failed round? Do we want another pregnancy that could possibly end in miscarriage? Of course it could work out perfectly fine, but with no frozen embryos, this could be a very clear definite “no” for us. We just need to know if we are reading the signs right. If we read them wrong, we risk blowing another multiple thousands of dollars that could go towards something far more positive for us and our marriage. Trying is never a waste, but how much more do we flog this quite possibly dead horse? In some ways I would much rather invest that money on travel and spending time actually enjoying our lives together – something that has been missing for a good two and a bit years now. While I still want kids, I still want my life back. I want the freedom to know that I’m not going to ruin a potential pregnancy by possibly doing the wrong thing (I know, flawed logic, but after losses one gets paranoid). How does one know when the stop?

But more importantly, how do you decide to actively prevent pregnancy? Do I go on the pill (blehh no thank you), does hubby get something permanent like a vasectomy? Because while pregnancies aren’t exactly a common thing for us, preventing a miscarriage is more important for our mental health than preventing a pregnancy. But then again, doing something so permanent is pretty heartbreaking. The whole situation is heartbreaking. We will see what.our specialist says next week at our follow up appointment.

Here’s to discussions. Many, many discussions…


So far, the dreaded 2WW (two week wait) hasn’t been all that dreaded. One week has passed since embryo transfer and things are going well.

Last week I didn’t go to the workshop at all (well, I did, but not in a working capacity), since our IVF nurse advised us that it was crucial to not overheat. Considering the recent weather, the workshop would clearly not be an ideal place to be, since in summer the temperatures regularly get up close to 40 degrees (Celsius). So this week I have been resting, relaxing, and working from home doing my PT and Jamberry work. It has been really nice to just have a change of pace, rest whenever I feel I need to and invest all I can into making our baby work out. Obviously, I can only do so much, but despite the outcome I know I’m doing what I can.
There haven’t been a huge amount of symptoms indicating a pregnancy. I have been a little more emotional than usual (as we have expected with this whole round of IVF and medication). Aside from that sometimes I feel positive like it could really work, other times I feel like is it really working? Sure, we put an embryo in there, but who’s to say it’s even implanted. And if it implanted, we don’t even know if it will last. But those feelings aren’t exclusive to me during my 2WW. They are generally present in some form or other, all the time!

However, since Wednesday, fatigue has hit me like a truck! Wowzer, so tired! This is one thing I am remembering from my previous pregnancies. But this far before my period was due? Hmm… not sure if it’s a pregnancy thing or a progesterone thing.

I’m also noticing urgent hunger. Like, hmm, yeah I might be hungry? (5 minutes later) still… not sure. Five minutes later again – I NEED FOOD NOW. Another thing I remember from previous pregnancies.

My patience level is also rock bottom. Normally I don’t care about red lights unless I’m running late. Now? A red light is just the most awful thing to endure! Sometimes I feel like I should not be in charge of a vehicle because people just make me angry! I definitely remember this feeling from my previous pregnancies. 

But once again, I don’t want to count my eggs (or embryos) before they hatch. I know that this could very well just be the progesterone talking, I am using the stuff morning and night! 😁 Thankfully, I’m getting through this ok so far. There has been a lot of prayer about it, and I think it is working. I know that of anyone, God has this under His control and His care, and whatever happens, everything will be okay (even if it doesn’t seem like it to begin with). Even if God says no, life will be ok. The same with if God says yes. Having that trust is definitely helping and I’m glad to have God through this.

21st January 2017

Happy New Year folks 😊

So much has happened over the past 6-8 weeks, it’s not funny!

  • I’ve finished working at the gym (and I’m LOVING it)
  • I’ve started PT from home part time
  • I’ve become a Jamberry nails consultant for a bit of fun and to help me meet people
  • I’ve started working in our workshop with my husband part time (yes, on the tools!)

My “new life” is different and I’m still adjusting to the change in my routine, but I’m so happy to be done with the gym, and be spending more time with my husband. But there is one more change that I haven’t included. Last month we saw our fertility specialist. We decided that it would be a good idea to do a laproscopy and hysteroscopy to rule out any endometriosis, near the end of January provided I wasn’t pregnant. So we re-did all of our fertility screening tests, and had our follow up last Monday. It was a good visit, and despite the original plan of laproscopy and hysteroscopy, we decided that we would just go straight to IVF. Why not huh? 😋😉 Anyway so on Wednesday we met up with our nurse who went over our treatment plan, fees etc, and provided my period doesn’t arrive this weekend, I’ll be heading in early this coming week to get my meds and start the process. At our appointment on Monday, my fertility specialost looked at my AMH and said “ok good we can treat you reasonably aggressively then” (because my AMH was slightly low for my age). So I’m getting a 400 (whatever unit of measurement) dose of some medication instead of a 200 or 250 dose. YAY! Mood swings – here we come! Injecting myself will be a whole new scary adventure but I’m sure I’ll manage it, and maybe even get used to it. I am not looking forward to egg transfer though. I am really bad with pap smears so to have someone mucking around down there for around 15 minutes is not going to be easy. The nurse said I could have some natural valerian beforehand, which I am definitely going to look in to!

So, that’s our news. There are mixed feelings. Excitement and hope, but at the same time a lot of apprehension because if this doesn’t work, or if we have another miscarriage, I just don’t know how I will get through the grief again. Anyway. We will just go through it, and roll with whatever happens. And hopefully a happy live baby happens!