Lord, Give Me Strength.

It’s not been easy this past week. It feels like my diffuser has been on overdrive every time I’m next to it.

I’m not actually 100% certain why I’m feeling this way. Emotional, tired, quietly stressed. I feel like I need another holiday. I want to be removed from everything that is happening. I want to be removed from my feelings. I feel like I’ve barely smiled this week. I want to be happy and I am trying to… not make myself be happy, but just decide to make that effort. I know how sometimes I can get in a rut mentally and be stuck in it with no good reason, then it’s up to me to change things. But it’s difficult to do tbat when it feels like you really need to cry some decent tears but they’ve got stuck somewhere on the way out and nothing is going to improve until they get unstuck. I suppose it’s just another one of those things that I’ll have to take moment by moment.

Karl and I both decided that I should stay home today. I’m thankful for that. He is such a trooper. For 4 years now I’ve been stuck in some state of grief, and he has supported me so well while dealing with his own grief. It seems so much simpler for him. I’m sure it’s not. Sometimes I wonder, why is it that I feel everything so much? Why do I hurt so deeply? I know I feel the positive just as much, but this negative stuff just hangs around like a bad stink. I wish it would go away. I know that there is an element of decision with this too though, and trust me, I try. I know it’s rooted deeply in me not wanting to let my babies go. And I know that will never happen, they’re my babies and I love them. I’ll never forget them, even though I barely knew them. But I also suppose it’s just the unfairness of the situation that keeps these feelings present. With every pregnancy announced and every baby that is born I’m reminded of what I don’t have. Yet again a decision on my part to accept that feeling or to acknowledge it and gently kick it in the bum. And as nice as it is to see people’s happiness, people just don’t stop breeding and it just makes life hard. Once again it’s one of those feelings that I feel so deep. Mother’s day is coming up in a few months and already I’m wondering how I can avoid it. I hate it. Let me smile politely in silence and look happy for you while inside I scream “I’m a mother too!!!” I read this awesome quote the other day (I can’t actually remember where I read it or who wrote it so I’m very sorry I can’t give credit where it’s due)…

Identity shifting is a huge piece of the postpartum experience for every new parent, and yet moms who lose their babies are not able to show the world their mother-ness. If you feel like a mom, and yet are not able to participate in the experiences that the mothers around you are included in, know that this is a shared experience and that, whether or not the world can see this, we value you as a mother too.”

It’s nice to know that I’m valued as a mother too, at least by those who wrote that quote. But those who know that I lose my babies, still no acknowledgement of my motherness. I was pregnant too. I grew life inside me too. My body still told me to “push” too. But I don’t get to see my babies grow up. I don’t kniw what colour their eyes are and I certainly don’t have the joy of experiencing all their firsts like all the other Mums who birth live babies do. Instead I live in silence. Isolating silence.



This grief thing sure is interesting. It’s easy most days, now that I am at this stage, but still the feelings of wanting my own family still hang on. And it’s not that I actually do want those feelings to die and leave me alone, but clarity would be nice. A clear direction for my life would be fantastic, that’s all.

I have my life back, and it is so so good to not be thinking about pregnancy all the time. In fact, as nice as it would be to be successfully pregnant and birth a healthy happy baby, I just don’t know if I want that any more. Like yeah, I want that. Why should I miss out on something I genuinely wanted for so long with all my heart? If there were guarantees that I wasn’t going to have another miscarriage or any other complications, yeah, I’d be trying again in a flash! But nothing is guaranteed, and it would be with much trepidation and hesitancy on my part if we were to try again. But right now I have options. I have peace of mind. I feel like I’m finally at a place for my business to start flourishing. My life since 2014 has been one interruption after another. It’s taken me all that time to figure out how I want my business to run and it has been a long haul with all the emotional ups and downs of pregnancies, miscarriages and failed IVF cycles. I feel like the time has come for me to finally settle in, get some good clients and actually earn some money for once. I have the opportunity to go back to gymnastics, if I should so desire and if I was to find a suitable facility. I also feel like my body is mine again. No IVF specialists dictating which medication I should be injecting when. No heavy duty emotional recovery making me want to hide in a corner and cry my soul out. No high level anxiety over doing high intensity exercise during my luteal phase that could potentially damage an undetected pregnancy (in all reality it wouldn’t damage it, but there’s always that fear). And travel! I am so excited to finally be working towards such an awesome holiday. For so long this has been on hold.

I also feel like my view on life has changed. Before, I think we were living up to an unmentioned standard. Having a nice, new-ish home, with newer cars, that kind of thing. But you know what? I don’t actually care. I don’t want fancy labelled clothes. Not that we could afford them anyway! I don’t need a brand new car, as nice as that would be. I don’t need a big new house. And if we ever were to have kids, I wouldn’t want to feel like that is what I’d have to provide for them. I’d want them to be happy with clothes from KMart, running around barefoot on the grass getting dirty feet and grass stains on their knees. Not worrying if their (or my) hair was in place.

I’d be happy with an old (quality) home, with a back yard, a garden, and a fireplace. Regardless of kids or no kids, I want a homely home.

I trust God. I know He has it figured out and I really don’t need to think about it all that much. But I suppose grief is something that just makes you feel and think. I just need to remember what the angel told Mary. “…For no word from God will ever fail.” Pray and trust.

Makes sense…

And this is why grief is so horrible and can last for so long.

While you need to remember and think and contemplate in order to process your grief and move forward, it’s also really hard on your body.

Sorry if this is TMI, but my last period was NOT fun. It reminded me a lot of my last miscarriage, which was naturally quite upsetting for me. And when I read things like this, it makes sense. Cramping and pain is obviously part and parcel of having your period. Duh. But combine that with the experience of two miscarriages and nearly 3 years of grief? Your brain just takes you straight back to when you were in the thick of it.

Another eventful week

This Monday, I went in for a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, tube flush / dye test, and pap smear. I was particularly excited about getting the pap smear done while under a general anaesthetic!

Basically, they found endometriosis down in the left corner of my pelvis, which had caused a little scarring. I was in quite a bit of pain when I woke up, so obviously they had to work a bit to get rid of it. One thing they didn’t tell me, was that the dye for the tube flush / test was bright bright blue, so when I stood up to get changed I felt like I had suddenly turned into a bleeding Avatar! Be warned ladies – expect some funny colours to come out of you if you have that particular procedure done lol 😀

Aside from that my recovery has been as good as can be expected when you have 3 holes in your belly 🙂 My appetite was very low initially so it has taken a while for my bowels to get working between not eating much and of course side effects from the pain killers. I’m now just back to paracetamol and ibuprofen for pain relief, which I’m happy about because the oxycodone worked well but made me drowsy, dizzy and gave me some pretty trippy dreams (highly entertaining 😀 )!

Now, we wait until our follow up appointment with our specialist in just under 2 weeks 🙂

IVF Cycle 1…

The last 3 ish weeks has flown by! I know I always say that but it’s true, because life all of a sudden got very busy when I got my period a few weeks back.

As you can tell from the title and my last post, IVF was our next step, and that step has now been taken. Thankfully the daily injections went seamlessly, with a maximum of 3 bruises. I feel quite skilled in injecting myself into the small layer of my belly fat now (I’m super thankful I don’t have a very low body fat percentage!) 😊 Having been through three blood tests, two ultrasounds and one egg retrieval, spirits were quite high and confidence was good.

One thing I have thoroughly enjoyed since starting IVF is having the whole process in someone else’s hands. Previously, even though it wasn’t hugely stressful, there was always that responsibility of reading your body’s signs correctly, and then of course making sure you do the right thing at the right time. Super romantic… 😒 So this month has been a nice change of pace. All I need to do is keep up with my medications, look after myself and turn up to the clinic when the time is right.

After egg pick up, our week was very difficult. They got 8 eggs, 6 of which fertilised. YAY! Then, the number dropped to 4, which plummeted again to 2. When the number dropped to 4 I immediately burst into tears after getting off the phone, so naturally when I heard we only had 2 left that were progressing I automatically started thinking about my future life without childrenand how I was going to really enjoy getting stuck into crossfit 😂 Oh hormones… 😁 Then the next morning I woke up feeling different, almost confident and assured that we still had 2 embryos. The phone call came and that gut feeling was proven correct. Two embryos had progressed, transfer was going ahead. It was so good to get positive news, because let’s face it, we haven’t had much of that in the past few years!

This morning we had our embryo transfer. I was super nervous initially because I had the impression that the whole thing was going to take 15 minutes. Joy. I’m really not good with pap smears so the fact that it was going to (apparently) take significantly longer just thrilled my soul to bits (note: sarcasm). Last night we met up with my inlaws and had a bit of a prayer, which was nice. We prayed that the transfer would go well, that there would be minimal discomfort, and that there would be an ultrasound screen for me to watch the transfer on for a bit of a distraction. I’m happy to say that all of those things happened 😊 It was so great to have a good team helping us but to also be able to see what they were doing, and to see our little embryo in it’s squishy new home. Within 5 minutes it was done! Finally I could pee!!! We were given a microscope photo of our embryo which I enthusiastically accepted. Previously we have never had any imaging of our pregnancies and this time I’m determined to get every picture I can! I’m ot sure if it’s a 100% perfect blasyocyst, but the embryologist was happy, and from what I have read about blastocyst grading, I’m happy too (FYI if you feel the need to give your opinion on the quality of my blasyocyst’s progress, don’t bother). We have our first baby photo and it’s quite exciting 😊

I’m calling this one my Squishy. It’s nice to have it with us finally.

So, little Squishy, feel free to hatch, and snuggle in deep, because I fully intend on having a good 36-42 weeks of growing you ❤

It’s early days. Despite my excellent maternal intentions, we know that this may not work, so I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts, keep praying, keep talking to my Squishy, and just enjoy it one day at a time 😊

Feeling hopeful :)

Once again it’s been a while since my last blog post. It’s been a busy time, with not much to report. Obviously I’m not pregnant yet, there would definitely be a post about that!

Work has been busy. The 8 Week Challenge has been going well and in 2 weeks it will be over. In a way I’m happy, I’ll be able to change my schedule to something a little more sane. I don’t mind waking up early and going to work while it’s still dark, but pair that with going home in the dark and regularly having 12 or 13 hour days just isn’t sustainable.

But I have also been working hard on my next program once the 8 Week Challenge finishes, and also online training options. I’m really looking forward to both, it’s an opportunity for me to continue to help people on a face to face training structure, and also help people who want to train with me but can’t for whatever reason (location, schedule, etc).

Trying for pregnancy is still going… not much to report although I did find out the other that that it looks like my private health insurance covers not only maternity but also assisted reproduction! I’m so used to not needing to claim anything on my health insurance (the hysteroscopy was the first time I’ve claimed) that I just presumed that we would have to pay. Anyway the original very loose plan was to give ourselves until the end of the year to fall pregnant then maybe try IUI. We both like the success rates of IVF in comparison with IUI, but the fact that we actually have fallen pregnant 2 times makes me (and my specialist) think that IVF may be a bit of overkill for now. The success rates of IUI aren’t too much higher than your own natural fertility rate, but the assurance that good quality sperm are definitely getting into my body is assuring, and I feel it’s the best next step. So now all I have to do is just call up the specialist and see if I can find out the “item numbers” for the procedure and call my health insurance fund to see if they cover it. If they do, we might be able to give it a go earlier than we had hoped. BUT, one step at a time. I don’t want to get ahead of myself because well, we may fall pregnant successfully before then anyway. As anyone who has spent a decent length of time trying for pregnancy knows, anything is possible.

As for my current cycle, I’m mid-luteal phase. You know, that time when the 2WW jitters really start to kick in? I haven’t given this cycle too much hope, considering I had a very mild case of thrush about a week ago (never a good sign for my body). Thrush and pregnancy hasn’t mixed well for me in the past. Also for the last week I’ve been sick with laryngitis. I am so so so over coughing! But thankfully my sinuses haven’t been blocked up so I can at least still breathe through my nose like a healthy human. The fact that I’ve been feeling less than average has really helped me not to symptom spot.


Two or three days ago my right boob felt a little tender occasionally. I remember this symptom. Before my first pregnancy was confirmed I jumped onto a bed stomach first and realised that was not a good idea! My first clue into a possible pregnancy. With my second pregnancy I remember feeling just a slight twinge of pain occasionally when rolling over in bed, almost like a bit of DOMS (Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness) after doing lots of push ups or bench press. The feeling was very fleeting but that cycle I was pregnant too. So now I just have to convince myself that it doesn’t mean anything and I should just stop thinking about it. Because, just like so many cycles before, I’m probably not pregnant this cycle too.

I have been thinking about pregnancy again lately. Which seems funny to say since I’m pretty much always thinking about pregnancy. But this is a bit different. I’m thinking about it less in a sad, grieving way, and more of a “I hope it happens again soon”, hopeful way. I remember what it feels like and I really want to feel that way again. Just the other day I remembered what our first ultrasound was like. We took the test, we knew I was pregnant, I had symptoms, but it really was something else when we got to see the little shape on the screen with a flickering heart. It was special and happy and I am just so looking forward to having that happen again.

Anyway I’d best be off. Time is marching away and I have plenty to do! Here’s hoping I see you all again in a few weeks with some good news 🙂

What would have been.

I’m very aware that my blog makes me seem quite depressed. For the record, I’d like to assure you I am quite a happy person! So, please forgive my frequent depressed rantings 🙂

But anyway – that’s not quite what we’re here for today. Today we’re here to celebrate what would have been.

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I have been thinking about this blog post for a while now. In my mind I had the perfect cupcake image, but unfortunately google is full of images that are not the one in my head. Naturally. So this one will have to do. (Nara if you read this I saw no cupcakes that were anywhere near as good as what I’ve seen you create!)

Today would have been my wonderful little first baby’s first birthday. Happy birthday Bubba 🙂 I can only imagine what our little baby would be like. Gender, eye colour, hair colour, temperament, are all up to my imagination.

Sometimes I feel a little weird celebrating a baby who never really came into existence. It’s almost like a child with an imaginary friend. The imaginary friend is real to the child but to everyone else it’s exactly that – a figment of their imagination. Is that what this seems like? Am I holding on to my imaginary baby as if it’s a security blanket? Because I’m so desperate to have something because I know I might not ever have another one? But I know my baby was real, and to me it still is even though it only ever got to 7 or 8 weeks, and it has been gone for a very long time now.

I’m sure people will say “do what you feel you need to do”. I’m sure my psychologist would say that. And trust me I am, but sometimes it still feels a little odd.

It’s sad to think of what could have been. Things could have been so different. My mind tells me that life would have been so much happier, because of how happy we were when I was pregnant. Yeah, I’m sad. I wish I was preparing for an actual celebration. A celebration with lots of cupcakes for my little family and my baby’s friends. Chocolate cupcakes with yummy icing. A celebration with happiness.