This grief thing sure is interesting. It’s easy most days, now that I am at this stage, but still the feelings of wanting my own family still hang on. And it’s not that I actually do want those feelings to die and leave me alone, but clarity would be nice. A clear direction for my life would be fantastic, that’s all.
I have my life back, and it is so so good to not be thinking about pregnancy all the time. In fact, as nice as it would be to be successfully pregnant and birth a healthy happy baby, I just don’t know if I want that any more. Like yeah, I want that. Why should I miss out on something I genuinely wanted for so long with all my heart? If there were guarantees that I wasn’t going to have another miscarriage or any other complications, yeah, I’d be trying again in a flash! But nothing is guaranteed, and it would be with much trepidation and hesitancy on my part if we were to try again. But right now I have options. I have peace of mind. I feel like I’m finally at a place for my business to start flourishing. My life since 2014 has been one interruption after another. It’s taken me all that time to figure out how I want my business to run and it has been a long haul with all the emotional ups and downs of pregnancies, miscarriages and failed IVF cycles. I feel like the time has come for me to finally settle in, get some good clients and actually earn some money for once. I have the opportunity to go back to gymnastics, if I should so desire and if I was to find a suitable facility. I also feel like my body is mine again. No IVF specialists dictating which medication I should be injecting when. No heavy duty emotional recovery making me want to hide in a corner and cry my soul out. No high level anxiety over doing high intensity exercise during my luteal phase that could potentially damage an undetected pregnancy (in all reality it wouldn’t damage it, but there’s always that fear). And travel! I am so excited to finally be working towards such an awesome holiday. For so long this has been on hold.
I also feel like my view on life has changed. Before, I think we were living up to an unmentioned standard. Having a nice, new-ish home, with newer cars, that kind of thing. But you know what? I don’t actually care. I don’t want fancy labelled clothes. Not that we could afford them anyway! I don’t need a brand new car, as nice as that would be. I don’t need a big new house. And if we ever were to have kids, I wouldn’t want to feel like that is what I’d have to provide for them. I’d want them to be happy with clothes from KMart, running around barefoot on the grass getting dirty feet and grass stains on their knees. Not worrying if their (or my) hair was in place.
I’d be happy with an old (quality) home, with a back yard, a garden, and a fireplace. Regardless of kids or no kids, I want a homely home.
I trust God. I know He has it figured out and I really don’t need to think about it all that much. But I suppose grief is something that just makes you feel and think. I just need to remember what the angel told Mary. “…For no word from God will ever fail.” Pray and trust.