Another eventful week

This Monday, I went in for a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, tube flush / dye test, and pap smear. I was particularly excited about getting the pap smear done while under a general anaesthetic!

Basically, they found endometriosis down in the left corner of my pelvis, which had caused a little scarring. I was in quite a bit of pain when I woke up, so obviously they had to work a bit to get rid of it. One thing they didn’t tell me, was that the dye for the tube flush / test was bright bright blue, so when I stood up to get changed I felt like I had suddenly turned into a bleeding Avatar! Be warned ladies – expect some funny colours to come out of you if you have that particular procedure done lol 😀

Aside from that my recovery has been as good as can be expected when you have 3 holes in your belly 🙂 My appetite was very low initially so it has taken a while for my bowels to get working between not eating much and of course side effects from the pain killers. I’m now just back to paracetamol and ibuprofen for pain relief, which I’m happy about because the oxycodone worked well but made me drowsy, dizzy and gave me some pretty trippy dreams (highly entertaining 😀 )!

Now, we wait until our follow up appointment with our specialist in just under 2 weeks 🙂

IVF Cycle 1…

The last 3 ish weeks has flown by! I know I always say that but it’s true, because life all of a sudden got very busy when I got my period a few weeks back.

As you can tell from the title and my last post, IVF was our next step, and that step has now been taken. Thankfully the daily injections went seamlessly, with a maximum of 3 bruises. I feel quite skilled in injecting myself into the small layer of my belly fat now (I’m super thankful I don’t have a very low body fat percentage!) 😊 Having been through three blood tests, two ultrasounds and one egg retrieval, spirits were quite high and confidence was good.

One thing I have thoroughly enjoyed since starting IVF is having the whole process in someone else’s hands. Previously, even though it wasn’t hugely stressful, there was always that responsibility of reading your body’s signs correctly, and then of course making sure you do the right thing at the right time. Super romantic… 😒 So this month has been a nice change of pace. All I need to do is keep up with my medications, look after myself and turn up to the clinic when the time is right.

After egg pick up, our week was very difficult. They got 8 eggs, 6 of which fertilised. YAY! Then, the number dropped to 4, which plummeted again to 2. When the number dropped to 4 I immediately burst into tears after getting off the phone, so naturally when I heard we only had 2 left that were progressing I automatically started thinking about my future life without childrenand how I was going to really enjoy getting stuck into crossfit 😂 Oh hormones… 😁 Then the next morning I woke up feeling different, almost confident and assured that we still had 2 embryos. The phone call came and that gut feeling was proven correct. Two embryos had progressed, transfer was going ahead. It was so good to get positive news, because let’s face it, we haven’t had much of that in the past few years!

This morning we had our embryo transfer. I was super nervous initially because I had the impression that the whole thing was going to take 15 minutes. Joy. I’m really not good with pap smears so the fact that it was going to (apparently) take significantly longer just thrilled my soul to bits (note: sarcasm). Last night we met up with my inlaws and had a bit of a prayer, which was nice. We prayed that the transfer would go well, that there would be minimal discomfort, and that there would be an ultrasound screen for me to watch the transfer on for a bit of a distraction. I’m happy to say that all of those things happened 😊 It was so great to have a good team helping us but to also be able to see what they were doing, and to see our little embryo in it’s squishy new home. Within 5 minutes it was done! Finally I could pee!!! We were given a microscope photo of our embryo which I enthusiastically accepted. Previously we have never had any imaging of our pregnancies and this time I’m determined to get every picture I can! I’m ot sure if it’s a 100% perfect blasyocyst, but the embryologist was happy, and from what I have read about blastocyst grading, I’m happy too (FYI if you feel the need to give your opinion on the quality of my blasyocyst’s progress, don’t bother). We have our first baby photo and it’s quite exciting 😊

I’m calling this one my Squishy. It’s nice to have it with us finally.

So, little Squishy, feel free to hatch, and snuggle in deep, because I fully intend on having a good 36-42 weeks of growing you ❤

It’s early days. Despite my excellent maternal intentions, we know that this may not work, so I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts, keep praying, keep talking to my Squishy, and just enjoy it one day at a time 😊

Feeling hopeful :)

Once again it’s been a while since my last blog post. It’s been a busy time, with not much to report. Obviously I’m not pregnant yet, there would definitely be a post about that!

Work has been busy. The 8 Week Challenge has been going well and in 2 weeks it will be over. In a way I’m happy, I’ll be able to change my schedule to something a little more sane. I don’t mind waking up early and going to work while it’s still dark, but pair that with going home in the dark and regularly having 12 or 13 hour days just isn’t sustainable.

But I have also been working hard on my next program once the 8 Week Challenge finishes, and also online training options. I’m really looking forward to both, it’s an opportunity for me to continue to help people on a face to face training structure, and also help people who want to train with me but can’t for whatever reason (location, schedule, etc).

Trying for pregnancy is still going… not much to report although I did find out the other that that it looks like my private health insurance covers not only maternity but also assisted reproduction! I’m so used to not needing to claim anything on my health insurance (the hysteroscopy was the first time I’ve claimed) that I just presumed that we would have to pay. Anyway the original very loose plan was to give ourselves until the end of the year to fall pregnant then maybe try IUI. We both like the success rates of IVF in comparison with IUI, but the fact that we actually have fallen pregnant 2 times makes me (and my specialist) think that IVF may be a bit of overkill for now. The success rates of IUI aren’t too much higher than your own natural fertility rate, but the assurance that good quality sperm are definitely getting into my body is assuring, and I feel it’s the best next step. So now all I have to do is just call up the specialist and see if I can find out the “item numbers” for the procedure and call my health insurance fund to see if they cover it. If they do, we might be able to give it a go earlier than we had hoped. BUT, one step at a time. I don’t want to get ahead of myself because well, we may fall pregnant successfully before then anyway. As anyone who has spent a decent length of time trying for pregnancy knows, anything is possible.

As for my current cycle, I’m mid-luteal phase. You know, that time when the 2WW jitters really start to kick in? I haven’t given this cycle too much hope, considering I had a very mild case of thrush about a week ago (never a good sign for my body). Thrush and pregnancy hasn’t mixed well for me in the past. Also for the last week I’ve been sick with laryngitis. I am so so so over coughing! But thankfully my sinuses haven’t been blocked up so I can at least still breathe through my nose like a healthy human. The fact that I’ve been feeling less than average has really helped me not to symptom spot.

Until.

Two or three days ago my right boob felt a little tender occasionally. I remember this symptom. Before my first pregnancy was confirmed I jumped onto a bed stomach first and realised that was not a good idea! My first clue into a possible pregnancy. With my second pregnancy I remember feeling just a slight twinge of pain occasionally when rolling over in bed, almost like a bit of DOMS (Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness) after doing lots of push ups or bench press. The feeling was very fleeting but that cycle I was pregnant too. So now I just have to convince myself that it doesn’t mean anything and I should just stop thinking about it. Because, just like so many cycles before, I’m probably not pregnant this cycle too.

I have been thinking about pregnancy again lately. Which seems funny to say since I’m pretty much always thinking about pregnancy. But this is a bit different. I’m thinking about it less in a sad, grieving way, and more of a “I hope it happens again soon”, hopeful way. I remember what it feels like and I really want to feel that way again. Just the other day I remembered what our first ultrasound was like. We took the test, we knew I was pregnant, I had symptoms, but it really was something else when we got to see the little shape on the screen with a flickering heart. It was special and happy and I am just so looking forward to having that happen again.

Anyway I’d best be off. Time is marching away and I have plenty to do! Here’s hoping I see you all again in a few weeks with some good news 🙂

What would have been.

I’m very aware that my blog makes me seem quite depressed. For the record, I’d like to assure you I am quite a happy person! So, please forgive my frequent depressed rantings 🙂

But anyway – that’s not quite what we’re here for today. Today we’re here to celebrate what would have been.

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I have been thinking about this blog post for a while now. In my mind I had the perfect cupcake image, but unfortunately google is full of images that are not the one in my head. Naturally. So this one will have to do. (Nara if you read this I saw no cupcakes that were anywhere near as good as what I’ve seen you create!)

Today would have been my wonderful little first baby’s first birthday. Happy birthday Bubba 🙂 I can only imagine what our little baby would be like. Gender, eye colour, hair colour, temperament, are all up to my imagination.

Sometimes I feel a little weird celebrating a baby who never really came into existence. It’s almost like a child with an imaginary friend. The imaginary friend is real to the child but to everyone else it’s exactly that – a figment of their imagination. Is that what this seems like? Am I holding on to my imaginary baby as if it’s a security blanket? Because I’m so desperate to have something because I know I might not ever have another one? But I know my baby was real, and to me it still is even though it only ever got to 7 or 8 weeks, and it has been gone for a very long time now.

I’m sure people will say “do what you feel you need to do”. I’m sure my psychologist would say that. And trust me I am, but sometimes it still feels a little odd.

It’s sad to think of what could have been. Things could have been so different. My mind tells me that life would have been so much happier, because of how happy we were when I was pregnant. Yeah, I’m sad. I wish I was preparing for an actual celebration. A celebration with lots of cupcakes for my little family and my baby’s friends. Chocolate cupcakes with yummy icing. A celebration with happiness.

It’s been a while!

It seems like so much has been happening lately. It’s been busy and I’m tired.

Work is good, but of course could still be better. The 8 Week Challenge has helped me get busier, now I just need a few more clients to be sitting pretty.

On the baby front, things are going well. We still haven’t had a positive result, but the last 2 cycles (inclusive of this one) have had marked improvements. Good temperatures in both phases, with obvious temperature shifts around ovulation. It’s been so good to have ovulation so easily confirmed!

Just like every month lately, I have a good feeling about this cycle. Of course it is such early days, I’m almost hesitant to speak those words because I know that in a couple of weeks I may be eating them, as I so frequently do. So, now I just wait, look after myself as best I can, and don’t freak out about a possible pregnancy and whether or not soft cooked eggs will make a difference at whatever-day-past-ovulation. I’ve been very disciplined and put my thermometer in the bathroom so I’m not tempted to take my temperature and get hung up on things. So far so good, but then again, it’s only been a couple of days! I’m sure curiosity will creep up eventually. I’ve already been thinking about when this baby could be due, if we were actually pregnant. A February baby, which would be nice, because there are so many birthdays in the last half of the year in our family. Already I feel like I’m getting ahead of myself all because of this “good feeling”, I’m trying to keep it in check as much as possible.

Aside from that the weather is starting to cool down significantly. The other morning it was 7 degrees! I know it’s not as cold as some places, and it’s definitely not the coldest I’ve experienced, but for the Gold Coast it is definitely chilly! The good thing about this time of year though is the clear blue skies and comfortable daytime temperatures. We’re definitely spoilt here.

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How’s that for a cracker of a day? With a bit of luck I’ll be laying on the beach keeping warm (I get quite cold with the gym’s air conditioning) this week!

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The other exciting thing about this time of year, is the humpback whale migration. If you look close enough you might see some splashes near the horizon, just right of centre. These guys were quite active but not breaching as such. It’s very early in the season, and I’m super excited to see lots of activity in the months ahead 🙂

Home turf

There’s one thing you can guarantee when you go home – mixed feelings.

Happiness…
That delightful feeling of connectedness to the country of your origin is pretty good.

Nostalgia…
Driving down the road and seeing significant places, remembering good and bad times.

Sadness…
Saying goodbye once again to loved ones. This family time is definitely bitter sweet.

Frustration…
Why can’t things be easier / better? Why would it really be too difficult to come back? If we came back then we would miss all our friends we have made in our “new” home. Why does our world have to be so far apart, even when we’re just “across the ditch”.

Renewed connection…
I found out that my Grandmother had a miscarriage too, between my mother and my aunty. As sad as that is it’s nice to know that she probably knows how I’m feeling, even though things were dealt with very differently 50 years ago. Not that I would talk to her about it though, I feel like she has enough bad days already without bringing up a potentially sensitive subject (she’s starting to show signs of mild dementia).

Full…
So. Much. Food.

But, feelings aside, here’s a few more happy snaps from the holiday…

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Huka Falls, Lake Taupo.

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Mt Ngaruhoe (Mt Doom from the Lord of the Rings) hiding behind some clouds.

Happy birthday to me!

Well it’s been a big week! On Thursday I turned 33, and jumped on a plane with Karl to New Zealand.

So far I’ve done aerials (silks & lyra) with my brother and his girlfriend, trampolining with my best friend and her kids, and eaten a LOT of delicious food that might just come under the “junk” category… don’t tell my clients… haha (I’ve already told them actually!).

Here’s a few happy snaps…

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This is apparently called “mermaid”

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Somersaulting fun!

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Goody gum drops ice cream – so good!!

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A cool and crisp NZ morning, just what we signed up for!

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The difference between NZ grass and Australian grass? In Australia you have poisonous creatures that could kill you, and ants that bite and cause big itchy welts for a week or so. NZ has just grass. And maybe the odd worm that pops up to say hi. Footwear is not essential on NZ grass and it’s wonderful!

Now it’s time for more adventures after breakfast 🙂